Movie Mishaps

This article has some spoilers for Star Wars Episode IX, The Rise of Skywalker. Turn away if you have not seen the movie.

Along time ago in a galaxy far far away (Aka Disney headquarters in 2012), Bob Iger bought Lucasfilm and all of Starwars from George Lucas for $4,500,000,000. What’s the first thing they do when they buy this pop-culture phenomenon. Cancel the beloved Star Wars the Clone Wars TV show and start work on their trilogy of mediocre sequel movies. 

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away (Aka Disney headquarters in 2012), Bob Iger bought Lucasfilm and all of Starwars from George Lucas for $4,500,000,000. What’s the first thing they do when they buy this pop-culture phenomenon? Cancel the beloved Star Wars the Clone Wars TV show and start work on their trilogy of mediocre sequel movies. 

First, they come out with a pretty decent show titled Rebels headed by Dave Filoni. The show hoped to fill in the 19-year gap between 2005’s Revenge of the Sith and 1977’s A New Hope. 

Almost two years later, J.J. Abrams’ Star Wars: The Force Awakens hits theaters with generally good reviews and likewise at the box-office. It was nothing new, which is the biggest criticism of Disney’s sequel trilogy. Star Wars Episode IV. Princess Leia Organa hides an important hologram inside her small droid and gets taken captive. Star Wars Episode VII. Poe Dameron hides an important hologram inside his droid and gets taken captive. What’s the biggest threat of Episode IV? A giant weapon that can destroy entire planets. What’s the biggest threat of Episode VII. A giant weapon that can destroy entire planets AND their moons. How do you destroy it? In Episode IV you shoot a torpedo in a small hole that makes a chain reaction and blows the whole weapon up. In Episode VII you shoot a group of torpedos in a small space that makes a chain reaction and blows the whole weapon up. 

The main character of Episode IV was a young 19-year-old man stuck on a desert planet who meets an old guide who dies later and helps save the galaxy. Meanwhile, The main character of Episode VII was a young 19-year-old woman, who meets an old guide who dies later and helps save the galaxy. 

Luke Skywalker meets an old man in his sixties named Obi-Wan-Kenobi who gets killed by a sith lord on the superweapon but not without making a lasting impact on the story’s hero. Rey (whose last name I will say later) meets an old man in his sixties named Han Solo who gets killed by a sith lord on the superweapon but not without making a lasting impact on the story’s hero.

The similarities just never end. I could talk and talk about them forever but that was just the first of three movies. 

37 years after Star Wars Episode V hits theaters, Disney releases Rian Johnson’s Star Wars Episode VIII The Last Jedi. Disney is confident that this one will do quite well considering that all of their other endeavors had succeeded. They were wrong. 

The Last Jedi suffers from the same problems as The Force Awakens. Plot resemblance. Rian Johnson’s Last Jedi is more similar to Ivan Kirshner’s Empire Strikes Back than you may think. In the opening of Episode V, the Rebel Alliance is on the run from the Empire after winning a great victory. In Episode VIII, the Resistance is on the run from the First Order after winning a great victory. In Episode V Luke Skywalker goes to visit an old Jedi named Yoda on a backwater planet who exiled himself because he failed the Jedi Order. In Episode VIII Rey goes to visit an old Jedi named Luke Skywalker on a backwater planet who exiled himself because he failed the Jedi Order. Then in the finales of both movies, the sith lord confronts the hero and offers to overthrow the current regime and rule the galaxy with the hero. Darth Vader tries to convince Luke because he is his father, therefore, using Luke’s lineage to his advantage. Kylo Ren uses Rey’s parents being no ones to his advantage, therefore, using Rey’s lineage to his advantage.

Then in May of 2018 Disney took another massive misstep in the form of Solo: a Star Wars Story. Directed by Ron Howard, this movie was to focus on the early years of Han Solo’s criminal life. Once again, a MASSIVE misstep. I call it “the movie no one wanted but everyone got.” What happens in the movie? Han Solo gets separated from his girlfriend Quira and joins the IMPERIAL ARMY! But, just to make it worse Ron Howard thought it was a good idea for Han to get his last name from an Imperial recruiting officer. Also to add on to it, it turns out Chewbacca was a MAN-EATING slave of the Empire and he became friends with Han because he knew his language. So then they steal some fuel, make the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs, gets betrayed by the crew leader, gets betrayed again by the client, and gets betrayed once again by Quira, who then talks to Darth  Maul. Oh, and if you were wondering how he got his vest and blaster, well this movie wastes time showing how. And now that you mention it, the Millenium Falcon was white and Lando was in love with a droid. Fantastic movie.

Then we get to what I consider to be the worst of the bunch. J.J. Abrams’ second time directing a Star Wars film, The Rise of Skywalker (it sounds like a 12-year-old’s fanfic). The movie Parallels Richard Marquand’s Star Wars Episode VI in many, many ways. To sum up the movie I will say this:it is a complete mess. With unresolved plot threads, humongous plot holes, and downright stupid concepts left in the final film.  J.J. Abrams wanted to bring back Darth Sidious aka Emperor Palpatine for this latest installment in the Skywalker Saga and the only explanation for how is one line from the emperor himself, “The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities…Some consider to be unnatural.” The opening crawl talks of a message sent across the galaxy by Palpatine. What are the contents of this message? Well J.J. Abrams thought it was a good idea to make people play Fortnite to actually hear this message. 

So, aside from the tons of similarities, The biggest one is the brand new Star Destroyer fleet (cough cough fleet of Death Stars). Just like in Star Wars Episode VI, Episode IX brings back an even more powerful planet-destroying weapon even though J.J. Abrams was heavily criticized for doing the same thing in Force Awakens in the form of Starkiller Base. Then, for the second time, we get an evil Skywalker turn to the light side and aid in the defeat of the Dark side. In Return of the Jedi, it was Darth Vader aka Anakin Skywalker, and in The Rise of Skywalker, it was Kylo Ren aka Ben Solo Skywalker. And in both films, the sith lord gives up his life in order to save that of the hero.

So for the big reveal, it turns out that Rey is a freaking PALPATINE! So how is this possible? Why don’t we do the math? In Episode III Chancellor Palpatine is 57 therefore by the events of Episode VI which takes place 22 years later, Palpatine is the ripe old age of 79. In Episode IX’s flashback sequence, we see that at the age of six Rey’s parents are about 30 and since the events of the Rise of Skywalker take place about 31-32 years after Episode VI where Rey is 20 years old. Subtract 14 years to make her six and then another 30 for her parent’s age that would mean that Palpatine would have to be in his late 60s or early 70s when he had his son.

Next, we get on to the subject of Palpatine not being dead. In Episode VI he was picked up and thrown down a few hundred-foot deep shaft then blown up in an exploding superweapon and was assumed to be dead. If Palpatine were to survive, he would have to be left in the dead of space for at least two days before being picked up and placed back in breathable air. How do I know that it would have to be two days? Well in the cannon game Star Wars Battlefront II the leader of Inferno Squad escapes off of the forest moon of Endor two days after the second Death Star is blown up. When she is leaving she gets into a dogfight with the only things searching the wreckage. X-wing starfighters which can only hold one man each. So if he were to be rescued it would have to be sometime after Inferno Squad leaves so after two days.

So a character J.J. Abrams built up in his first film was Supreme Leader Snoke. Everyone was excited to find out who he truly was when they walked into theaters to see The Last Jedi. Well, we didn’t get to find out because he got killed by Kylo Ren in the third act of the film. And going into The Rise of Skywalker that question was still burning in everyone’s minds. Who was Snoke? Turns out he was a being created by Palpatine and there were a dozen of him in a jar in Palpatine’s base on Excegol.

That was just some of the ways Disney ruined Star Wars. There are still many other problems which I hope to cover in part 2 of this article, so see you then.